popo, i love you. RIP. i miss you deeply.
Thursday, September 06, 2007 @ 9:53:00 PM
POPO, RIP. I LOVE AND MISS YOU DEEPLY. ENJOY YOUR LIFE IN HEAVEN WITH GONG GONG.

this will be a long long post. grandma just passed away this evening at 5 plus. at that time i was on my way home. went to visit her this afternoon. she still didn't wake up. she was breathing with that inhaler. but she had some blood on her pillow and her mouth. those are the dirty blood produced by the organs. mom asked whether i wanna go home so i agreed. now, i regretted. i should have stay longer. i wanna be with grandma till her last breath but i know it will be very painful for me to accept. everything is just so sudden, fast and painstaking.

i received the news at 6 plus. i cried when i heard it when papa was talking to mom on the phone. we rushed down to SGH. in the cab, i couldn't stop thinking about the past. there are too many regrets in my life. i regret not talking more to grandma. everytime when she calls me in the morning, i was still sleeping. so when i talked to her, i kind of neglect. i told her i want to sleep so she said okay and end the call. i told myself that this hol i will find some time to go and visit her. well, everything seems too late. now, i dun even have the chance.

when i reached the hospital, she was alr lying there. well-dressed, as pretty as ever. she looked peaceful and loving. i went over and talked to her, tears again just dripped like a running tap. i have alot of things to tell her. too much to say. when i was alone, i talked to her again. i apologised for the things i've done when i was young and the part when i neglected her. i'm really not sure if she can hear me. but i just want you to know that you will live deep down in my heart, forever. you will always be the one and only grandma whom i love. god bless.

when i was a kid, i used to dislike grandma. i keep having the mindset that she's not good to my mom. among the 4 children, my mom was the first to give up studies and take care of her. grandma had diabetes when mom was still in primary. she's the second among the 4 siblings. grandma was those traditional woman, she only dote more on sons instead of daughters. mom take care of her and wasn't able to study. i think that was one of her biggest regret in life too. that was why i used to dislike her. i remembered there was once when i looked at my baby photo. grandpa was carrying my cousin, june while grandma carried me. i was angry, why didn't grandpa carry me instead of june? but now, come to think of it. i hate myself. how can i think that way. how can i treat her like this? i'm so inhuman.

grandma has been suffering for over 30 years due to her sickness. she stayed with my eldest uncle all along until these recent years, she moved to third uncle's place. i guess her life wasn't as good as she thought it would be. wife-in-law kept scolding her, disliking her. she always get scolded by that. fcuk, they are another inhuman creatures. think last yr, she had a minor cut on her toe but it spreaded and leads to amputating half of her leg. that was very hard for her to accept that she had only a leg left. she cried badly, my heart aches too. she's only 67 this yr. she's so young, her white hairs i can count using my 10 fingers. we just celebrated her bdae not even one month ago and now, she's gone. she went to a better place, a place where she can find her husband and mother. they will live happily there. but, i will miss you here.

will go for soccer match tmr morning. SP for the win(lose)!